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dukkha
I want:
- An intentional universe. Or if it turns out that I have an intentional universe, a theophany. (If you think you've had a theophany, raise your hand. Why did it stop? How do you misplace a deity?)
- Mindfulness. Better control over my own brain. A mind noisier in some places and quieter in others.
- Better understanding of people and why many of them are so screwed up.
- Cessation of wanting.
Wanting doesn't help, though. Even if you get it, then that's often as unsatisfactory as not being able to get it, if you'd expected or hoped that you would. And then you get pissed off, and then you do something harmful. And all of the wanting is based on an assignment of some goodness to a particular object-of-desire, which assumes that the thing you're after has some sort of independent existence capable of holding goodness.
It's five AM. I must be lonely. And I don't even like Matchbox Twenty.
This is me being pissy. I don't understand life. But I suspect you don't understand either, unless it happens that you do, dear reader. But most of you reading this, I don't think you do. I think the whole "I must be lonely" bit is at least the immediate cause of this entry. I'm sorry.
- An intentional universe. Or if it turns out that I have an intentional universe, a theophany. (If you think you've had a theophany, raise your hand. Why did it stop? How do you misplace a deity?)
- Mindfulness. Better control over my own brain. A mind noisier in some places and quieter in others.
- Better understanding of people and why many of them are so screwed up.
- Cessation of wanting.
Wanting doesn't help, though. Even if you get it, then that's often as unsatisfactory as not being able to get it, if you'd expected or hoped that you would. And then you get pissed off, and then you do something harmful. And all of the wanting is based on an assignment of some goodness to a particular object-of-desire, which assumes that the thing you're after has some sort of independent existence capable of holding goodness.
It's five AM. I must be lonely. And I don't even like Matchbox Twenty.
This is me being pissy. I don't understand life. But I suspect you don't understand either, unless it happens that you do, dear reader. But most of you reading this, I don't think you do. I think the whole "I must be lonely" bit is at least the immediate cause of this entry. I'm sorry.
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Though it does make you a better person not to like MB20, IMHO.
And if this is you pissy, damn. Even my mild ranting on why people should use Linux is even worse that this. ^^
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Over the years, I begin to wonder if this is actually a biological/psychological need. Have any truly atheistic or agnostic cultures ever developed? When it comes down to it, maybe we have a need for association and cause and effect. Do we jut feel compelled to attach some significance to our lives to justify them to ourselves?
Better understanding of people and why many of them are so screwed up.
Life is hard and the our minds take a beating. Wouldn't it be even more strange if a person wasn't screwed up at all? Imagine a person with no scars on their body. Now, imagine a person with no scars on their mind. I'm not sure, but it just seems like everyone has their own neuroses.
But most of you reading this, I don't think you do. I think the whole "I must be lonely" bit is at least the immediate cause of this entry. I'm sorry.
No, I think, for the most part, we don't. You don't have to apologize for being lonely or pissy either. In the end, you are one of the best friends I've ever had and I wouldn't take that back to remove the moderate-amount-of-crap (*thinks of 2335*) that we've gone through together. So, I hope that you feel better. *(manly) hug*
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I too hope you feel better there, Alex!
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It'll all get figured out... or not. And if not, then most of the time, it's fun trying :) Just sometimes not at 0500 hours at the end of the semester.
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... I think, deep down inside, there's a division between how pissy I'm feeling and how pissy things come out -- I've got this bizarre ability to be irate without anybody noticing. (although the ability doesn't always kick in, and it's really quite rare that it gets an opportunity...)
Given the option, I'd trade that super-power out for the Great Circle Route thing any day. Thankfully, I already have the One-Inch-Car-Destruction-Punch skill learned... (they teach it in cs4611, which I recommend highly)
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I am looking forward to it