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Lindsey's gone into labor. Midwife is here.

Let's rock.

(this could take quite some time)
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Before today, there were no Google hits for "cybergoth midwifery" or even "cybergoth midwife".

BUSINESS PLAN. We're claiming it. Unlike my other rad business plans, we're keeping this one. No scooping us, per favore.

"Please put on these fake dreadlocks, these superfluous goggles, and these stompy boots. It is time to deliver a baby."
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So I had a bit of a really awful emotional episode a few weeks ago. My anxiety got the better of me, and my belly was really clenched up and I was pretty much overcome with freakouts. Work seemed impossible, the world seemed doomed and hardly worth saving anyway, all noises were a billion needles in my soul. I hated myself more than anything. My laziness, my seemingly deteriorating body, my inability to make progress on meaningful things, in terms of personal projects, or in academia, or in my career...

So... yeah! Good times.

But! I got a therapist. Some counseling comes with work health care (super fortunate), and this has helped immensely. I really like my counselor a lot, and she's giving me really great simple advice, and I've felt way better. The advice is just like "go running more!" and "get a mindfulness practice; have you tried the Headspace app?" -- "read this self-help book!" ... just taking that step of getting some professional help was huge. It made me feel way more in control of my brain. So that's huge. I've felt much, much better since then.

Other things! Alec came through for a work trip, and we got to hang out a bunch! That was really nice. We went running and talked about life and work and language and video games, as we're likely to do.

And for the long weekend, Martin has been here for most of it! So wonderful to get to hang out with him :D We went for long walks, we baked (banana bread and vegan meringues!), and we tried out OCTODAD: DADLIEST CATCH. I heartily recommend this game. I also heartily recommend hanging out with Martin, when he's in the country.

Also we hung out with Tim and his son Ezra! They're pretty great. Ezra's getting lanky. And eloquent. He's almost five.

Almost baby time. We're getting close. I'll work one or maybe two more weeks, then just take vacation until we have child in hand <3 Though it could be any day now.
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One thing I'm pumped about is small children. This is especially salient, because, y'know, we're going to have one on hand soon.

Two interesting interactions with small children recently.

- We went to go look at a daycare today, for, y'know, our upcoming small child. And the daycare looks like a super nice situation for small children; really chill, with tiny little chairs for them to sit on (once they can sit up!), and for kids who go to the day care for a long time, they stick with the same kids and the same teachers for as long as they're there.

So we're checking out the area for the youngest kids, and a tiny little child come crawling over to me, super interested. I crouch down and look at the kid, and they offer their tiny little hands in a very clear "please hold my hands" gesture. So I hold up my two hands, index fingers up, and the kid hefts themselves up from a crawl to standing!

This looked like a person very new to standing (even with assistance), but they handled it like a champ!

- This past Sunday, I was getting some shoes at SportsTowne Shoe Center. And I'm sitting there, trying some on. And this tiny little boy, maybe 3 years old, is climbing all over the shoe-area furniture. It's extremely adorable.

His dad was there, but this little boy looks right at me, and he's got this little ball, like a mock rubber baseball, and he gestures that he's going to toss it to me.

So he does! And I'm in a sporting goods store, playing catch with a stranger's three year old :3 He was so friendly and fearless. Just goes up to a random stranger who doesn't look like his family (they might have been... Filipino, if I had to guess?) and immediately makes friends and starts playing catch. Except that he really couldn't catch the ball yet, because small child! But he was all over trying to do it!

That's the kind of interaction I want to have with people.
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I got an email from a student at IU, recently. I'd met him briefly while I was at Indiana; he'd just started his PhD, but then we moved out to California. He'd been turned down from a Google internship, and wanted to know if I could see his interview feedback to help him figure out what went wrong in the interview.

I can't see his interview feedback. But I *can* harsh on him unnecessarily about IU and professors there and dying academic labs, such as the one that I came from and the one in which I suspect he's currently toiling away the best years of his life...

Here's what I wrote. I think these questions should be posed to early-stage grad students at middling state universities, broadly.

Hey $NAME,

Even if I'd referred you, I still couldn't see the interview feedback! It's really super secret.

Oh man, time flies. Your fourth year already!

How's it going with $PROFESSOR? His lab didn't seem all that active when I was around, but maybe things are picking up?

Really sorry -- this is about to get more real than you might have expected. I don't really know your situation or what your current research interests are like, but in retrospect I think I probably should have switched advisors to somebody with a healthier lab, back in my 3rd or 4th year. I should have asked myself "OK, is $MYADVISOR teaching you things? Are his other students graduating in a reasonable time? Are they publishing in good venues? Do they work together and hang out? Is he teaching you how to be an academic in the current environment? Is he paying you to do research that will help you graduate? ..."

... and at least when I was around, $MYADVISOR's group didn't have good answers for any of those questions. In fact, nobody in computational linguistics or in knowledge-based AI had good answers for any of those. $MYADVISOR's students seemed like they were getting strung along for years, never publishing in any good venues and then never graduating. They just burned out eventually and faded away. $MYADVISOR never had any grants to pay me, and he never seemed to try very hard to get grants to pay me. I put up with it at the time, because I'm apparently not very smart, but you'll note that I still haven't graduated.

So I hope the situation's improved with $PROFESSOR -- maybe he's publishing a lot and you're on those papers! But you seem to be doing a lot of
TAing. You should ask yourself if this situation is OK, and if it's going to help you get where you want to go.

There *are* labs at IU where they're doing good work, getting money, publishing all over the place. Fil Menczer's group, who I worked for briefly, because I needed to get paid and $MYADVISOR had no money, seemed/seems like one of the healthiest and happiest at IU. I'm sure there are other good ones.

Ha, yeaaahhhh. That was pretty real.

On a more cheerful note, hooray for your upcoming wedding :D Best wishes!

one upside

Jan. 19th, 2017 11:37 pm
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... is that now we've got some pretty good moral clarity going. We know what we have to do.

I think we got this. I think we're not doomed. Not because this isn't a bad situation, but because we're realizing how bad it is and we can take corrective actions.

I love all of you <3

The world has changed quite a lot, and in many ways I think for the better. We don't have to go back -- we can push things forward!

Take care of yourselves! Talk to me; I'd appreciate it <3
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Looking back on my 2016 posts, I haven't been writing here a lot.

Like probably a lot of people, I spent a lot of the year kind of freaking out. Especially towards the end, for the obvious and non-unique reasons. People can be so awful. We have to push back.

For most of the year, I wasn't running a lot. But I got back into it towards the end.

I played a whole lot of video games, I think in large part to self-medicate.

I didn't make a lot of progress on my dissertation. I made some, but I need to get it done.

I need to get more OK with myself. I need to do more reading and programming and working out.

Writing is probably a pretty good way to check in with myself.

Oh, also this has become, uh, pretty relevant: http://phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=828

thirty-four

Sep. 1st, 2016 09:58 pm
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Birthday! :D

I got so many really nice wishes, including from lots of friends I don't hear from all that often. <3 for everybody.

My mom came to visit! She and Anthony are here for about a week, so that's great.

I spent a lot of the day kind of freaking out at work, though, and I got some kind of ill that I don't really understand. Maybe stress-related, or maybe I ate something wrong.

I've been in a little bit of a freakout mode for kind of a while, and I need to take better care of myself. But I'm working on it.

This year, I wanna be healthy, in all the various ways that a person might be healthy. Work in progress.

(since last time I wrote, Lindsey and I did the ICFP Contest again! code here: https://github.com/lkuper/icfp2016 )

(also I cycled up to the city with my coworkers, two weekends ago. because we're beastly \m/ )
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Evening run along Evelyn, Sunnyvale/Mountain View area. I stop at a light, because, y'know, Law-Abiding Citizen. There's a couple on big, comfortable cruiser bicycles.

He says to her, "oh, see if you can catch that guy!"

I grin. My inner engine revs. There is absolutely nothing better than outrunning a cyclist.

I glance over. They're looking at their phones.

Oh.
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Some things that help me feel a lot better:

- Playing Rock Band, both on my own and with Lindsey! Leveling up at drumming. I used to do a lot of this, but we fell off for some reason...

- I'd better git gud at drumming, because I seem to have gotten volunteered to play drums for the not-church band...

We've been going to Sunday Assembly, this thing that's basically church, but secular. Not, like, explicitly atheist, but pretty much church-for-atheists. Not sure if you knew this about me, but I used to really enjoy church; I *like* getting together with people to sing songs and hear an interesting talk. It's just that I figured out I didn't believe in god, y'know? But I used to be really involved with church, back when I believed; some of my best high school memories were running sound and occasionally drumming or playing horns for the band at rock 'n' roll church. Mom was in the band; they were *great*. Like legitimately really great music.

Anyway, we've been going to this Not Church for a year or so, and the music has been gradually improving with the Not Church rock 'n' roll band. But the current drummer is moving out of the country, and nobody else stepped up, so Lindsey seems to have volunteered me...

- We've been doing some yoga. This is *really* good for me, and it's good to have a thing we can do together. And I'm easing back into running.

I've been a little bit hurt; my tendons haven't been in great shape. I've been slightly injured off and on for a while now. Gotta run gently and gradually ramp up, so it's sustainable.

... so this is all things that I've done, at one time or another, but haven't been doing recently.

Important to remind myself: these are things that are good for me. Invest in doing them.
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Maaaan. Everything seems dumb and hopeless recently.

I need to get some *wins* somewhere. I need to take better care of myself. I feel lonely a lot, and like I'm not making progress on anything useful.

It's not totally obvious what I've got to *contribute*, either.

...

I did have a really nice visit with my dad recently, over the 4th weekend. We cycled from the house to Google and looked around and ate lunch. We visited with his siblings, who were visiting to see our relatives who live up in wine country. (their uncle and aunt; he's my grandmother's little brother) ... it was nice to see the family.

...

I need to feel like I'm making progress. I feel like I'm kind of spinning my wheels, and I get freaked out about living and working here, often.

The Bay Area makes me freak the hell out. I feel terrible about it, but I often can't make myself go up to the city. SF is really stressful, getting to SF is really stressful, *being* in SF is really stressful, being invited to things and then laming out is really stressful. It's dumb as hell and I hate this about myself. I should just person up and fuckin' go to the city. (nb: I am more than happy to go to the city if it's to see your artistic performance or whatever, or for your party, if you're important to me.)

... I wish I didn't have to live here. The whole situation seems immoral; there's no water here, there are eight zillion people who want to live here, traffic is ludicrous, the public transit is mediocre. At least in the South Bay it's not like I took somebody's rent-controlled apartment, and I can usually ride my bike to get around.

Also Martin has, just today, gotten on a plane to Spain. Lauryn will leave soon too :-\

... I miss everybody.

... I started reading SuperBetter recently; I should get back into that. I think it was pretty helpful.
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I haven't been super emotionally healthy, recently, but I'm working on it.

I had a pretty bad bout of feeling *awful* last week, especially while Lindsey was out of town. Everything felt hopeless, I felt like I couldn't get anything done that I cared about. I felt dumb and annoying, and I was furious that anybody was anywhere near me, or saying words, or making other sounds. Something like misophonia, to the extent that that's a thing. And I was embarrassed about like my entire existence.

:-(

Part of it was that I was really frustrated about work, felt like I wasn't making any progress or learning things fast enough, frustrated about my PhD, frustrated about not running much recently (my connective tissue's been acting up a bit recently, so I haven't been running)...

I need to take better care of myself. These are all fixable things; I could stretch better and do more strength training. I need to spend more time on my PhD so it doesn't seem so intractable and eventually gets done. I could find somewhere more quiet to work in the office. You only get one you.
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Today, my sister had her second child, Fiona Renee! She came a little bit early, just a couple of weeks. Apparently mother and daughter are doing well. I've got a great picture of her first daughter, Penelope, looking at Fiona. Socute :3

Meanwhile, I was up in Sacramento, playing some video games at a comic convention. Hrm.
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Some days, maaaaan.

Some days, it's Take Your Children To Work Day, and they need *somebody* to be the big green Android mascot and dance around and play with the kids and do silly things for photo ops. THIS JOB. THIS JOB MAKES USE OF BASICALLY EVERYTHING I'VE EVER LEARNED TO DO; HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.

Some days, you're working on software that meaningfully impacts millions of people's lives, and you're doing a thing that involves writing a bunch of code but it might make things dramatically better (and at the very least it's causing a nice refactoring).

Some days, at the end of the work day you get to hang out with a bunch of people from your company who *love* playing fighting games, and you strike up super-interesting conversations with a guy who helped develop Skullgirls and knows about a zillion different fairly esoteric games, and shares your love for the weird back-catalog of gaming and wants to help bring less-common games to the meetup. And you find out that the new guy at the meetup this week is also a Tekken enthusiast, and you play a long mirror-match set. (his name is Mo and he's got a pretty mean Jun!)

Tomorrow: off to Seattle to visit with Lisa and JD, then fight at Northwest Majors! \m/
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http://www.textsandpleasure.com/2015/09/when-tenured-professors-and.html

Gig economy for everything, including-especially teaching at universities! It always works out well.

True story: when I was at IU, there was no course for CS undergraduates to study natural language processing. At all. Because they really care about the students.

They let me teach one, and paid me a miniscule bit more for the zillion extra hours of work, and provided basically no oversight or guidance.

Great excerpt from the essay:
"""... we need to highlight a crucial distinction that comments like Bogost’s either neglect or willfully obscure: there is a fundamental difference between the expression of frustrated professional aspirations and the criticism of an exploitative system of labour. Yes, Quit Lit might contain a lot of the former; but it emerges predominantly from the latter. The two are without doubt intertwined in complex ways, but the problem with responses like Bogost’s is that they treat Quit Lit solely as the whining of wannabe intellectuals who simply can’t hack it in the elite world of tenured academia. In doing so, they absolve tenured professors from having to confront the systemic exploitation of part-time labour from which these professors benefit on a daily basis.

... In other words, he is caught up in a system where he has a direct incentive to graduate more PhDs—not so they can become tenured professors, but precisely so they can become poorly paid part-timers."""
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I carry around a lot of worries and anger and anxieties and insecurities. For some reason, driving up to San Francisco seems to set off a lot of them. I need to get over it. It's dumb and embarrassing.

Also I should figure out how to enjoy this cool concert I'm at now.

Also I have a failure mode where I can't get into a performance I'm at and I totally check out. It's not good and doesn't help the people I came with have fun. I've walked out of a few movies and just waited in the lobby for my friends.

I have trouble relaxing and enjoying art when I feel like the time could be better spent some other way. I just often don't spend my time very well when left to my own devices.

And whose fault is that, really?
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Often, "clever" "abstractions" just make it harder to figure out what software is doing. Maybe I'm really dumb, but I find myself digging into a piece of code to repurpose it slightly all the time, and before I can actually Do A Thing, I have to understand your bespoke DSL for configuring configurations and handling any conceivable use case in Full Generality. Except the use case of "I just want to call these three functions".

If you were wondering, I want to throw you, bodily, through a wall. You are not actually clever.
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OK, let's try this: for the rest of the month, first thing in the morning, I'm going to do a little bit of strength training. Enough for an "Arnold", if you recall "Arnold's 1% challenge" from back when ever'body was on Fitocracy.

Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
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I fixed my sick Playstation 2! That was really satisfying.

Pictures and description over on that other blog.
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Just read Machinamenta: The Thousand-Year Quest to Build a Creative Machine by Douglas Summers-Stay!

It's not a long book, but it's got lots of interesting bits about the intertwining histories of augury, formal systems, games, creativity, language, art and artifice. In some of the most interesting bits, he talks about the very early interactions between approaches to fortune-telling in Africa and the Near East and early versions of the game Mancala. There were also great glimpses into the work on automata in Europe since the Renaissance, and early machine-generated poetry. And quick discussions about the relevant philosophy-of-mind and the various relevant approaches to AI, while grounding them in the historically relevant philosophical views. (ie, rule-based deductive systems are in a sense an outgrowth of the European Rationalist tradition)

He talks a lot about shifting standards of what counts as art, though this is sort of implicitly in a Western setting -- it would be interesting to talk about whether standards for what counts as "art" differed dramatically in different parts of the world. Or how about currently?

All in all, I'd say that this book is a good sampler of interesting things -- I wanted it to give more detail about any of the topics! Anything in here could easily be expanded into several books themselves.

And somehow, after all this, he didn't definitively put a box around what Counts As Art or Counts As Creativity, and source code for a Truly Creative Machine is not included with the book. Maybe that'll be in the second edition.

Links:
- Blog associated with the book
- Talk by the author on basically this subject matter
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