past 12 hours or so

So last night, I was furiously trying to get my AI done...

It's a really weird feeling, programming an assignment (even if it was extra credit... I had my mind set on getting it done) right before a deadline. It wasn't like I'd been completely slacking right up until the day it was due... it's just that there were other things to get done. But for whatever reason, I'm finding myself with some fairly simple Lisp macros to write, this burning feeling in the back of my head because I know what they're supposed to do (algorithmically, even), but I can't, for the life of me, even with Stevie sstrickl's advice about how to make macros work and freaking ANSI Common Lisp on my lap, make the language get rid of the "unbound variable" messages... gaaah. Infuriating. I was getting really super pissed at myself. I have to laugh at it now, but I was quite upset :-\ That's the sort of thing that makes me the most angry, I think, really... just impotent frustration at something as small as backticks and commas.

... so when you get a little bit of the program to work, it's a thrill, and then when you get the whole assignment to (mostly) work, then that's a pretty good feeling. But I just can't seem to make anything /completely/ work for this class... most everything I've turned in has been Almost Working. Gaaaah.

So I was pretty drained, after that, last night. Again, being a slacker and waiting way too long to get in on my prob-stat for the test today... but I said to myself, "Self? Just get up early and study math in the morning." And I wasn't get myself out of bed and motivated to do this. Which got me madder at myself. But you know what? He drops a test anyway, and I'm doing alright otherwise, so I'm just going to make this one my drop test, and it'll all work out. And we're getting into the more statistical end of prob-stat next, so that'll be fine. Problem solved.

I did have some really interesting dreams, though...

In one, Anthony was talking to me, and I was at home... he says to me, while I'm mostly asleep but still able to hear him, "Alex, am I awake, or am I still dreaming?" And I think to myself, "I can't answer that rightly -- I'm still asleep myself." (this was me dreaming about being asleep). So I think to myself, "Well, I'll just wake up and then tell him whether or not he's asleep." And I did, or at least, in my dream I did. I said to him "This is most definitely real. We're both awake." Which from my perspective then, was true.

In another, there was a man who was trying to figure out who his real parents were, for some reason, and it turned out that they were the sort of people that he really didn't want to meet... I don't remember much more about that one...

... and oddly enough, I remember three dreams today. In the third, I was in the Weber building (where my prob-stat class is), sitting in the upstairs lobby, and it's full of people, but most of them are little kids. Sitting at one of the tables, I recognize, among three older gentlemen, Mr. Camarda, the venerable (and absolutely brilliant) history teacher from my highschool. And I don't think that this is that weird, to see him at Tech, because I know that he and his family occasionally visit here for football games and whatnot, and that they generally like Atlanta. I forget exactly what he was saying, but afterwards, I was accosted by a large number of small children, and I had some food, and they were trying to eat my lunch... and somehow or another, there was chicken in this rice-and-vegetable stew-ish thing that I was going to eat, so I didn't eat it... and... somehow my skates were involved. They were pretty vividly sitting on the table.

I don't know why any of this is important. Everything's fine. I just need to be more mindful of myself... see the stupid self-destructive urges coming and understand them... because I'm not productive when I'm angry.