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I've felt remarkably empty-headed, since I've been back in Tallahassee. I feel like there should be really important things to say, or powerful emotions that I should be feeling... but mostly I've been sleeping a lot, and enjoying that. I've run a few times and lifted a little bit (*laughs* ... and my dad is still sore from the 20-19-18...1 jumpingjacks/pushups/situps routine that Markja suggested), hung out with friends, visited with the family...
What I have been feeling, which is rather difficult to formulate into words... is something between liberation and disconnectedness. I'm not tied, but then I'm not tied. Or at least I'm not feeling tied. Freedom is often only perceived, and by only perceived I mean only there on a surface level, though... it's hard to describe. I don't have to do anything forced or unnatural to please anybody, it feels like. But then am I bound to doing only "natural" things?
The idea that I'm again quite single has been slowly percolating through my being. And I like it rather a lot. No need to look. No need to need to look. It's very liberating; I've got this hitherto uncharacteristic lack of urge to be with anybody, in both senses...
I think of positions that Lloyd had taken about confusion between Eros and Thanatos and the whole idea of the "little death"... I'm fairly sure he still operates within this framework... and I look forward to seeing him, probably tomorrow or the next day.
I am not Siddhartha. But:
Siddhartha also felt desire and felt the source of his sexuality moving; but since he had never touched a woman before, he hesitated for a moment, while his hands were already prepared to reach out for her. And in this moment he heard, shuddering with awe, the voice if his innermost self, and this voice said No. Then, all charms disappeared from the young woman's smiling face, he no longer saw anything else but the damp glance of a female animal in heat. Politely, he petted her cheek, turned away from her and disappeared away from the disappointed woman with light steps into the bamboo-wood.-- Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
That's a darn fine book. Available on Project Gutenberg, or in a Thrift Edition. Yay for the public domain :)
I'm liking the idea of just being me, at least for a while. It feels like the authentic thing to do now. This doesn't have to do with anybody in particular. This is just me, changing on the inside, probably for the better. Interesting things are coming up for the Rudnick.
(and there are fuzzy dogs in the house and fuzzy deer and raccoons and opossums in the woods...)
What I have been feeling, which is rather difficult to formulate into words... is something between liberation and disconnectedness. I'm not tied, but then I'm not tied. Or at least I'm not feeling tied. Freedom is often only perceived, and by only perceived I mean only there on a surface level, though... it's hard to describe. I don't have to do anything forced or unnatural to please anybody, it feels like. But then am I bound to doing only "natural" things?
The idea that I'm again quite single has been slowly percolating through my being. And I like it rather a lot. No need to look. No need to need to look. It's very liberating; I've got this hitherto uncharacteristic lack of urge to be with anybody, in both senses...
I think of positions that Lloyd had taken about confusion between Eros and Thanatos and the whole idea of the "little death"... I'm fairly sure he still operates within this framework... and I look forward to seeing him, probably tomorrow or the next day.
I am not Siddhartha. But:
Siddhartha also felt desire and felt the source of his sexuality moving; but since he had never touched a woman before, he hesitated for a moment, while his hands were already prepared to reach out for her. And in this moment he heard, shuddering with awe, the voice if his innermost self, and this voice said No. Then, all charms disappeared from the young woman's smiling face, he no longer saw anything else but the damp glance of a female animal in heat. Politely, he petted her cheek, turned away from her and disappeared away from the disappointed woman with light steps into the bamboo-wood.-- Herman Hesse, Siddhartha
That's a darn fine book. Available on Project Gutenberg, or in a Thrift Edition. Yay for the public domain :)
I'm liking the idea of just being me, at least for a while. It feels like the authentic thing to do now. This doesn't have to do with anybody in particular. This is just me, changing on the inside, probably for the better. Interesting things are coming up for the Rudnick.
(and there are fuzzy dogs in the house and fuzzy deer and raccoons and opossums in the woods...)
