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clarity or possibly confusion
Mar. 12th, 2003 02:36 amI was getting wound up, frustrated, nervous, and angry, in one of those fairly typical moody Alex moods. It took me about 'til the third mile to relax, but since then, I've felt much better. I was really upset, just feeling overwhelmed, angry at myself about Squeak and straight upset about being bombarded with other obligations...
After that, I sat down on the grass overlooking the Burger Bowl, just closed my eyes and breathed for a while. While I was running, I was trying to clear everything else out -- "just run. think about running. here I go, running..." ... but I kept on thinking about the random crap happening in my life... or possibly just thinking about how angry I had been getting as the evening wore on, not even thinking about one thing at once, but the whole feeling and all the items at once. I was getting more wound up as I went, occasionally thumping walls and trashcans and things as I passed... but as I got to about mile three, things calmed down, and I felt much better. I realized that in my current state, I wasn't going to handle anything -- undirected anger (where did all of this come from, anyway?) and a vague urge for self-destruction weren't doing any good, so God says to me, "relax -- one thing at a time". So after running, I sat on the grass and just breathed, and considered this.
Additionally, a university is providing a service. I'm not indentured to it. I'm a customer. It's just a thing. It's not life. It's not real, and it's not my identity. It's not who I am. I am I myself, a child of God, a living, breathing thing... I tend to identify much too closely with "Tech Student".
I saw Alan today. *chuckles* On the topic of people getting hooked up... he's considering moving in with his girlfriend. Something he'd said to me, at one point, came to mind tonight. He said to me that there would be times when I just couldn't stand it anymore, when it was getting too late, and I was too strung out and didn't want to look at one more line of code ... and at that point, I should get some friends together, go to Waffle House, and drink some coffee from a mug with 42 little integral signs on it. This is an excellent idea... although, sadly, I've counted, and there aren't 42, but 37 integral signs on their coffee mugs. This is not an ideal world.
We went over to the little West Side diner here on campus and had some bubble teas instead of Wa-Ho and coffee... rather closer. The bubble tea there isn't quite as tasty as the sort you can get from Houston's Chinatown, but it's pretty passable.
I'm considering staying up and doing more work, or maybe going to bed and getting up early. Each thing will get done in turn -- just one thing at a time. Focus on it, make it happen, then move to the next thing.
After that, I sat down on the grass overlooking the Burger Bowl, just closed my eyes and breathed for a while. While I was running, I was trying to clear everything else out -- "just run. think about running. here I go, running..." ... but I kept on thinking about the random crap happening in my life... or possibly just thinking about how angry I had been getting as the evening wore on, not even thinking about one thing at once, but the whole feeling and all the items at once. I was getting more wound up as I went, occasionally thumping walls and trashcans and things as I passed... but as I got to about mile three, things calmed down, and I felt much better. I realized that in my current state, I wasn't going to handle anything -- undirected anger (where did all of this come from, anyway?) and a vague urge for self-destruction weren't doing any good, so God says to me, "relax -- one thing at a time". So after running, I sat on the grass and just breathed, and considered this.
Additionally, a university is providing a service. I'm not indentured to it. I'm a customer. It's just a thing. It's not life. It's not real, and it's not my identity. It's not who I am. I am I myself, a child of God, a living, breathing thing... I tend to identify much too closely with "Tech Student".
I saw Alan today. *chuckles* On the topic of people getting hooked up... he's considering moving in with his girlfriend. Something he'd said to me, at one point, came to mind tonight. He said to me that there would be times when I just couldn't stand it anymore, when it was getting too late, and I was too strung out and didn't want to look at one more line of code ... and at that point, I should get some friends together, go to Waffle House, and drink some coffee from a mug with 42 little integral signs on it. This is an excellent idea... although, sadly, I've counted, and there aren't 42, but 37 integral signs on their coffee mugs. This is not an ideal world.
We went over to the little West Side diner here on campus and had some bubble teas instead of Wa-Ho and coffee... rather closer. The bubble tea there isn't quite as tasty as the sort you can get from Houston's Chinatown, but it's pretty passable.
I'm considering staying up and doing more work, or maybe going to bed and getting up early. Each thing will get done in turn -- just one thing at a time. Focus on it, make it happen, then move to the next thing.
