... somebody else's sky? ...

Hurting people probably isn't the best thing to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon. :-\ Hrmph... it'd be pretty silly to claim that it's as bad as being hurt, though. I'm so sorry...

This was what I was yammering about in that last entry... it'd been coming for a bit, sort of welling up in me. I was saying to myself, yesterday, that there'd probably come a time when I felt horrible. After the phone call to Switzerland itself, I didn't feel near as bad as I'd thought I might. I was relieved, actually, that it went off without too much ... eh, well, it happened, and it was about as smooth as could be expected. That time is about now, I think.

Esther is brilliant and fascinating and beautiful and I love her and care about her immensely, and that's not changing. ... I just wasn't the right one for her (various reasons), I came to realize... she deserves somebody who is the right one. And I deserve somebody who is the right one. Better to move on now than not to move on at all... only I'm moving into lovely singleness limbo after having been hooked up from 1 September 2002 (my 20th birthday) until yesterday... much, much longer than any other before...

... that, and I realized that I almost always think and feel in terms of songs. Songs that I've been singing recently have included "With So Little to Be Sure Of" from Sondheim's Anyone Can Whistle -- this is effectively the musical in terms of which I live my life. My ideal self is not much different from J. Bowden Hapgood from this show. I see, and have seen, Esther as not too terribly unlike Fay Apple... I wonder how healthy this mapping is? -- Pearl Jam's "Black", and "Trading My Sorrows"...

hrum... and it's Father's Day. I should go over to Dad's house.

afternoon and meaningless lists of things I've done

I'm currently trying to contact a particular person in Switzerland again... *sigh* ... hope she's alright, or at least as alright as could be expected...

In an effort to try to avoid thinking about things too much (or at least to avoid thinking about myself and my situtaion, particularly) I ended up hanging out with Lloyd again last night, which was excellent... we ran in the woods (once 'round the lake, with this extra trail that cuts off in a different direction), went for a swim, ate some Thai food at nearby Reang Thai (mediocre experience, really -- the Thai Iced Coffee wasn't particularly good, but the Food Itself was alright) and then proceeded to hang out at Black Dog Cafe, where we ran into a group of kids we didn't know, but one of whom reminded me very strongly of Alan -- he was playing the piano in there, doing slow, mournful (and really pretty) versions of NIN songs and then some of his own originals... his friends seemed a bit quieter, and there was a girl with them who seemed to be sort of softly playful, rather less dark... Lloydus and myself were doing our thing and being amiably confusing, and after we felt we'd confused them for long enough, we headed out to walk 'round Lake Ella and hang around at my house for a while... A very nice evening.

Today I've been hanging out with Dad, as would befit Father's Day, and we're working on getting him in shape for the upcoming triathlon he's scheduled to do -- and we actually did all of the events for a mini-triathlon. In order, he biked 10 miles on his stationary bike, swam halfway across the lake (he says that's about 1/4 mile, but I'm not completely sure), and walk/jogged 3 miles on the treadmill. While he was on the bike, I'd been running on the treadmill and lifting a bit, and then I swam with him, and then I did a similar 10 miles on the bike whilst he was treadmilling. I think we can do this -- or at least he can, if it turns out that I'm on a different continent while he's triathloning. Which is why I need to make a call to Switzerland...

By the way, happy Father's Day wishes go out to any and all paternal-type people who might be reading this :)